the fog slowly lifts

well, we have been home for a few days and i'm beginning to notice things again... like there is an outside...

baby hana is doing great! as jon mentioned, while we were at the hospital, concerns rose about how much weight hana lost after birth. some loss is normal. but they don't want babies to lose more than 10% of their body weight. on sunday night, the pediatrician discharged her and she was 8lbs 11oz - within the normal range. but during the night, a nurse weighed her again and she had lost more weight still - down to 8lbs 7oz. the nurse requested a pediatrician check her again. it seemed strange that her weight continued to go down becasue she was being fed for 60-90 every 2-3 hours (start of feeding to start of feeding). so basically there would be like 30 minutes or so when she wasn't eating. but everytime she'd wake up, she was ravenous. so when the pediatrician came again in the morning, she said that 16 oz was too much. but then vaguely said that "breastfeeding was natural", "stick with it", "think about supplementing" and things like that that were marginally useful. well, that's a generous assessment. i was wrestling with everything i'd read and learned in classes prior to the baby coming about what baby needs and people advising against using formula if you are breast feeding. so frankly, i didn't really care one way or the other about supplementing, i just wanted my baby to get enough to eat so she won't go hungry. although everyone was long on concern, they were short on solutions. after three days of being poked and prodded every couple of hours, often just minutes after i got the baby calmed down, someone wanted to draw blood, i was growing inpatient with the nebulous nature of everyone's response. i was definately highly upset and emotional. especially after having to spend time alone at the hospital, my husband going to the hospital and all these nurses running around concerned about the baby getting enough to eat. to make matters worse, when i did become emotional, the nurses would try to console me and say things like "i know you feel like a failure" or " i know you think you are a bad parent...". this would infuriate me because honestly, i KNOW i'm NOT a failure or a bad parent! i just wanted my baby to eat dammit and no one had any answers!!!! i just wanted people to shut up talking to me unless the words "ok, here's the plan..." were at the beginning of the sentence. thankfully, dr. gentry called to check in on me (apparently one of the nurses told her i wasn't doing well and wanted her to convince me to stay another day - as IF!). talking to her is always huge relief because she's very pragmatic. i told her what was going on with me and about jon and about the baby and how i just wanted to know what to do. i'm not a failure but you would have to be dead inside to not be heart broken to hear your baby cry herself hoarse with hunger (and from people poking her constantly and saying "she's a hungry baby..." duh!). so she gave me some good suggestions and talking points and helped temper the propaganda of the lactation consultants so i could make a more real world decision about what to do. when the lactation consultant came in later in morning, i was ready to just say, " ok, here's the deal..." so we came up with a plan and i felt MUCH better. i told the hospital people and dr. gentry's on call doc that visited me that i know why they wanted me to stay and extra day but i'm not doing that and here's why. they agreed with my logic and liked that i had made a plan (because clearly, they are unfamiliar with the fact that i almost ALWAYS have a plan). so home i went with the baby. and once we walked through the door of the house, we were all infinately better and more relaxed. hana slept great and fed like a champ. by the time we did a 24 hour check up with the pediatrician, she'd gained 4 oz in 36 hours. this was amazing progress since they hope that babies gain just 3/4 of an oz per day for the next couple of weeks following birth. a visiting nurse came to our house again today and in less than 24 hours, she'd gained an additional 3 ozs! the nurse felt that all of the hubbub was officially over the top and that i needed to relax. so 7 oz in a couple of days is pretty freakin' awesome. the nurse suggested that our feeding plan was clearly working but probably wearing us out too much. she suggested a more relaxed plan, which we have embraced like one would embrace "the new black". so we're all pretty relaxed if not a little tired. thank god my folks are here to help. they have been a godsend. jon is feeling better too. he ate solid food today. i joked with him that getting food poisening from a hospital vending machine was God's way of assisting him with losing the sympathy weight he gained during my pregnancy. so we're settling in.