our angel baby

many of you may know by now that on 2/11/08, when we went for our 5 month ultrasound, we learned that our baby had passed away. i was just beginning my 21st week of pregnancy and there was really no indication that anything was wrong. the baby was normal and there was no infection that could detected. we just don't know what happened and we may never know. we learned that he was a boy and we have just been devistated by greif and shock at the loss of our son.

the support that jon and i have given each other has been such a comfort. and what has carried us through has been the love and support of friends and family. my mom flew out here to be with us when i had the procedure to deliver the baby. my mom's group and close friends have brought us dinner and given up space when we needed. but most importantly hana keeps us going everyday and was especially pivotal in getting us out of bed in the early days when were in such despair. her hugs and cuddles seem even deeper of late.

when people hear of what happened they don't know what to say. every family is different but for us, simply saying that you are sorry and don't know what to say has been a lot more comforting than many of the other things we've heard.

words can't describe what this loss is like. it is hard for people to understand, i hope no one ever has to personally experience what this is like. this was our baby and he died. while it is not the same as someone who actually birthed a child and then lost him, the pain and the the grief are no less. i carried him for 5 months. we got gifts for him. i snuggled my full belly countless times. i had been wearing maternity clothes for 3 months. he was very real for us. we bonded with him. i miss my baby and we are sad that we will never get to meet him, hold him, cuddle with him or rock him to sleep.

while we are back to work now, we are a long way from normal. and maybe there will be a new normal. who knows. for now, we take it hour by hour.

a friend sent me a poem that i found comforting:

Hugs From Heaven
By Charlotte Anselmo

When you feel a gentle breeze
Caress you when you sigh
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
From a loved one way up high.

If a soft and tender raindrop
Lands upon your nose
They’ve added a small kiss
As fragile as a rose.

If a song you hear fills you
With a feeling of sweet love
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
From someone special up above.

If you awaken in the morning
To a bluebird’s chirping song
It’s music sent from Heaven
To cheer you all day long.

If tiny little snowflakes
Land upon your face
It’s a hug sent from Heaven
Trimmed with Angel lace

So remember every morning
When its time for your day to start

Hugs that are sent from Heaven
Are felt within your heart.